I’ve never been more aware of it than now that you’re not here, you’re not there for a long time. Sure, everything was discussed. The job that takes you abroad is a great opportunity for you. No, more, it is “the” opportunity for you and because that is the case, I encouraged you, almost urged you to accept it. “I’ll be gone a long time,” you said. “How long?” I asked immediately. “About six months,” you replied. “What’s six months compared to all the life that lies ahead of us,” I countered, because we always assume there’s so much life ahead of us. I consoled myself, it’s only been a few months. There’s enough to do. Also, for the distraction.
But now I’m standing at the window and looking out into the night. It’s getting late and I’m so tired. I’ll go to bed and sleep. What would be the difference if you were there? I probably wouldn’t have done anything differently, or at least not much. But you would have been by my side even if we had both gone about our own business. I could have asked in between. Maybe we would have had a cup of tea or watched the night together. You would have come to me and given me a kiss, a smile, a word of encouragement. Maybe there would have been a conversation, uninhibited but enriching, like any conversation with you, which gives my thoughts a boost. Again, and again. When I’m stuck or just don’t know what to do. There is so much matter of course in it that it is no longer noticeable and yet has such an invigorating effect. All those little things that happen because we acknowledge and accept ourselves without having to make a fuss about it. When I’m sad, you hug me and comfort me. Simply that way. Then you let me talk and listen to me. With you there are no cheap deportation manoeuvres, no empty phrases, only pure affection, which also gets me out of my grief, back into life, the liveliness that I experience because you embrace and hold me with your love. You bring me down when I’m too excited and euphoric, gently but firmly. You won’t let me down Even when we argue, our words are still carefully chosen and embraced by the fundamental kindness we show one another, even where we distance ourselves from one another. But we have still found the way to each other again, the word that connects, so that we also come to an understanding again. We are there for each other without limiting or restricting each other, showing respect and esteem for what makes up the lives of others. Also, the work. Also, the challenges we face.
If you were here now, I would have gone to you and said good night to you. You would have hugged me briefly and wished me a restful sleep. “I’ll continue a little more here,” you would have said. And if you had then slipped into bed with me, I would have felt it, even in the deepest sleep. “Everything is fine”, I would have known, “Because you are here.” I smile when I think about it, because the thought of it fills me with warmth and security. It was never spectacular, but calm and composed and reliable. And now you’re not here. I realize, even more than usual, how much you enrich me and my life. I send my thoughts of you, my wishes and my connection with you out into the night. they will reach you. It’s getting better. There will come a new day and another. Some still without you, but there will also be one when I can hold you in my arms again. It’s good to think of it, think of you well. It’s comforting and empowering to know you, to know you in my life, and no matter what happens, whatever challenges we still have to overcome, I’m sure you are the love of my life.
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