Much of what is taken for granted in one’s own life is not at all for another. That’s probably all there is to report about my life, for now, I think. Actually, not much that remains of forty years of life, not much that seems worth mentioning.
„But where was the serious mistake?“ Asks Lana, and I notice that I actually let it slip under the table. But who likes to talk about their mistakes?
„Strictly speaking, it was a little blunder, but it was fatal. It was out of pure vanity, all the more embarrassing for a man in my position, „I begin to admit my own inadequacy,“ I said yes, I met Jasmin this year, and for some reason I don’t understand today, I said, to have to impress her. She is just as strong and successful a woman as my mother was, only that she also tolerates and accepts other people besides the children.“
„So in the end you were looking for the approval of your mother, who was no longer able to give it to you,“ Nona interrupts me lightly. I look at her in astonishment. Why has it never struck me during all these years, what this girl, who only knew me for a few hours, said so naturally and easily?
“You are probably right,” I admit, “and I always thought to myself that I was so clairvoyant about people, only with myself I am apparently blind.”
“It’s not unusual,” Lana replies, “You tend to block out things that you don’t want to see. I think it was probably no coincidence that you connected with another woman so quickly. ‚Until death do you part‘ – that is what one promises in front of the altar, but the parent-child bond does not need such a promise because one cannot get out of this role, probably even after death, because we will probably always stay the children of our parents or the parents of our children. It lives within us, inescapably and often with serious consequences. Just as we cannot escape ourselves, neither can our relationships that live in us and probably also shape us to a certain extent. You obviously didn’t want to do without this security. Do I see that correctly?” She smiled at me.
“And what’s wrong with that? What should I reproach myself for?” I suddenly burst out, without knowing the reason myself. Was it the realization that I didn’t want?
“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Lana tries to appease me, “It’s just important to see, in order to understand yourself better, above all that you’ve probably shared a little something about the foreign consortium, if only the symbol.“
„And it sounds to me like a consortium that – how should I put it – does not always operate within the narrow framework of legality,“ adds Nona.
“Yes, that’s right,” I say, and out of sheer amazement I forget to be angry, “But how do you know that?”
“We said yes, this is our job. Do you remember? „, Nona replies, smiling mischievously,“ Actually the same thing you do, only we do it in life and not with data.“
“And this consortium has been following me ever since. I have never made another mistake, never again revealed anything about my work, but that never lets me go.
„Never again in my life have I been so scared as when the man paid me a visit, the man with the symbol on his wrist.
***