„Sometimes it’s really not easy with you!“, I think. The thought then has not just one, but three exclamation points. All that is audible is a deep sigh and a tearing apart of everything you say. No matter what it is. Nevertheless, the thought remains, it is not easy with you. And I feel like I get angry and give my anger space. It’s the cramped clinging to a thought that has clung to itself, like a tick on the skin and sucking out all clarity and fairness, leaving nothing but confirmation that it’s not easy with you. I feel it how my hands clench into fists and my neck is braced, so stubbornly hold on to that one thought, to this tick-thought. As if I could never let go of it again, as if it would never let me go again. Humbly grinning, it gives me to understand, it has won the profit, the profit on all clear considerations, all relaxation and carefreeness. Actually, actually I love you just as you are. And that’s not difficult at all.
„You are not easy!“, again in thought with three exclamation
points, but only in the thought, because even this sentence is not pronounced,
is the increase or actually already the culmination point to the first
sentence. For if it is „not easy with you,“ then is the momentary
situational condition, but this „you are“ attributes to you an
inevitable quality, a flaw that you cannot get rid of, because it is just
connected with your being. The tick thought becomes a boil, which disgusts my
eyes on you. It stands between you and me. I do not want to see it, and yet at
the moment I do nothing but stare at it, hypnotized. It puts aside all
reflection and deliberation that I am normally capable of. All I have to do is
turn around, let go of the thought, let go to see what it really is. Actually,
actually I love you just as you are. And that’s not difficult at all.
When you sit down with me, hug me and I just come to you, relax everything preconceived and disturbing let go, then I know it’s neither easy nor difficult with you. These are the completely wrong categories, but it is how it is. And I wish that you know that you can be open and free, just as you are, because I got to know you that way and you convinced me as yourself. Sometimes it is not clear to me. It disappears in the fog of oblivion, which even overlooks what really matters. It is not easy and not difficult, but unique, because just as our togetherness, it can only be because you are as you are and I am the way I am. In all simplicity. Almost banal beautiful. For actually, actually I love you, just as you are and how you are me as you. And that is simply unique.
So the next time I have that look, which all too clearly shows the three exclamation points at the end of an imaginary sentence, then leave me time to remove that ticking thought from me, that boil that blocks the open look that I’m seeing you being in what you are cannot be easy and not difficult, you can. Then I also come to the thought that really matters, because it is more a thought, something that carries me and protects and revives me. And that is something that I then pronounce. „I love you, just as you are !!!“, and then there may also be three exclamation points to hear.