There are three crimes against which I owe my life, three crimes I owe to
The first is the persistence in the past. Was not everything better then? Could not everything have stayed the way it was, best for ever and ever? What have I not missed everything, back then! What has not escaped me everything! Whether I mean that everything was better, or that I had been betrayed for my life in that time, I turn away, turning to times that I cannot change for good, or return to, but with the I take back responsibility for the moment that I can change and where I can be, now. That’s the first crime of my life.
The second is storming into the future. What else do I have to do,
tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, next week, the whole year. What do we want to
do on our next vacation and which car will I give to my future child on the
eighteenth birthday? Restless, I wet my chair because I’m not there anymore,
but already where I want to go next. No matter what I have to do in this then,
I’ll never really do it because I’ve already fled to the next then. That’s the
second crime of my life.
The third and most fundamental thing is to call you, and yet not to be with you. I am so happy that you are there! I do not want to miss you and I want you to spend the whole time with me. But I’m not here because I need to remind you how much different and better our relationship was earlier, or because I constantly evade you by telling you what we do not have to do yet. We are together, and yet I am not with you – and wonder at the emptiness. This is the third and biggest crime of my life, because it is also my crime against your life.
I do not want to be guilty any more, I want to stop holding on tightly and let go, and suddenly everything happens automatically. I work and stay in it until it’s done. I look up to the full, rich moon and see him, because I’m there, in sight. You sit down with me, here at my dock. I leave the done as done behind me. I leave the planned as planned in front of me. I see seeing the full, lush moon as seen. I take your hand in mine and feel your hand as taken in mine. I lift my gaze into yours and stay in you feeling, seeing you. „I see you!“, I speak to you, and in my hand, in my eyes, in me, I am to you. I remain, as open and facing you, here in this moment. No matter how many times I did not succeed, here I am to live for him, the moment in the now, the stay in time, in which life is alive, and where I am to you, you are, in openness, curiosity and dedication, suffice the moment when I dive into the clear sea of water, the moment that carries all the happiness that is possible, in the eye-sight, in the heartbeat of eternity, in the ever-now, in the you-you.