Lost in thought, I see you behind. You go down the steps and go to the
street. I finally break loose. I do not want to look after you, just open the
door and see what you can do. Luckily there is always something to do.
Actually, I do not want you to realize that I’m watching you. It does not make
it easier. Of course, sober, that’s how it is. We are friends. From time to
time you come to visit. We’re having a good time. It’s fun. well, because you
take me seriously. It looks like. Maybe it is true too. It’s hard to tell. If
in doubt, you can plead for authenticity. The opposite can not be proved
I do not want to look after you, I say. I mean,
basically, I do not want to think about you. But that’s much harder than not
looking behind. At least you do not notice that. Thoughts can be conducted so
badly. Mine, at least. Just now you are still there. I shake up the cushions.
To blur the tracks. It succeeds. Outwardly. I turn to other things. It’s hard
for me to stay focused. Of course, considered sober, it was nothing but the
visit of a friend, albeit, of course, a very good friend. Now it’s over and life
is calling for me. You must not get stuck. Considered sober.
A friendship is something wonderful. You can not be ungrateful either. Not even if it was quite different. There is nothing to get used to. Maybe I did not appreciate it too much because I thought for a moment and for a long time that things would go on like this. Just because. Sometimes I even assumed it. Why should it be different? I found no answer to this why. She gave me life. And that was simple, because things change. Of course, soberly in life, this is how things are, whether we like it or not, whether we contribute or not. And there you can defend yourself against so much, demand that it could be that way again, please. It is meaningless. Unnecessary waste of energy. You could use them better, this force. So reasonable thoughts can be.
The more time passes, the easier it is for me to not think about it anymore. Respite. Also of the hopes and dreams and desires that can not be turned off as easily as a light switch. Also feelings. Even if it seems they come out of nowhere, they do not just go back there. I did not ask her to come. They did it anyway. Therefore, they do not make any move to go away again, if I ask them for it. Of course, soberly, all these things like hopes and dreams and longings and feelings should be removed if there is no real foundation for doing so. Just as you can erase a penciled Noitz. But it is not written in pencil, but with something that can not be removed, however much I try to do so.
There are now hours, after all, I am completely free of all these thoughts and of you. Since I can concentrate entirely on what I’m doing right now. And then you come again. As a friend. Visiting. As so often. And the whole game starts all over again. I try to listen to myself, if I do not become more balanced, over time, a little bit. It does not work. Of course, soberly, I just have to be patient with myself. It’s going to turn back. It would not be the first time after all. But it’s never been imagined, as it has never been this time. And again and again the idea chills that it could be different again. Immediately I push him aside. It can not be. I know that. But what do I care about my knowledge? Again I watch you when you go. Again, I think after you, when I have long closed the door. It’s good as it is. And actually it’s just your hug that I miss, as it was then.