When you picked me up, so abruptly and unexpectedly, it was that I did not know how I should, at first. I was at the mercy. Actually. Without a way out, I had to stay. My first impulse was to go down again. As I used to, as I always knew. I never wanted to experience that I was not able to do what I wanted, and if that was just what it was to stay, but where there is no choice, there can be no will, and without will no self-determination. And yet it was just a moment that took me out of everything I knew.
When you picked me up, so abruptly and unexpectedly, it was as if I could never find my balance because the up and down was wrong, because I lost track and narrowed my field of vision. I would have wanted to straighten up, but it was not possible, in the horizontal, in which you brought me. Probably because I was tired, especially because of the balance and the overview I always wanted. Probably also because I was exhausted, precisely because I demanded that I always have everything in my own hands and in my control. Since you took it from me, just for a moment.
When you picked me up, so abruptly and unexpectedly, it was you who waited with patience, that the unrest passed by, and also the impatience, the confusion and also the tension. So your eyes rested on me, while you kept the conviction that I would find the rest, even me. Benevolent, almost lovingly, this look was because you wanted to show me something that I had not known before and did not want to know. Had I been able to get used to it, so that I would not find back into the independence, that I could no longer take my firm position. Since you took it from me, just for a moment.
When you held me, so strong and determined, at last I let go, drive all reservations and concerns, put my arms around your neck and closed my eyes. So that all the load fell off of me and I felt light, light and unloaded. Maybe a little easier for you. Warmth flowed through me, bringing with it the lightness of being, which surprised and yet no longer astonished me. My hand slid over your neck because it did it. My head suddenly rested on your shoulder because it was. And I closed my eyes, because I could finally assume that you held me, for that one moment.
When you held me, so strong and determined, I was connected with you and with everything else, unlike what I had known, uncramped and relaxed. To be able to breathe, resting on your shoulder, my forehead against your cheek, your skin on my skin. Safe as a little child. Everything that was far away returned. Also to have found the discovery of a piece of what one could call home. Also love. If you want that. I was not scared anymore. Not even before that. And finally, I completely let you hold me for that one moment.
When you gently let me slide to the ground, back into this solid state and in the overview, I found immediately back, and did not remember why I had ever doubted it. Moreover, I had learned that it was not a contradiction, not even a contrast, to be held and to hold, but that it was nothing but the one and the other side of the whole. Everything was as always, everything was changed, since I knew myself held since you hoisted me, so surprising and immediate, since you had held me and held, so strong and determined, as I held myself, even where I am hold myself.