It was on a rainy, wet-cold Monday in November at 5:40 am when the first muted message was made between the security guards of the subway.
“Attention, suspicious subject is in the third car of the set of the U6, which has just left the station Siebenhirten,” read these and all the security guards in Vienna, they could listen to, indeed had, and were accordingly in high alert. What a blessing it was that there was now nationwide video surveillance. The new government, which by now had worn off a bit, had been right in everything, because if you did not look closely, how many of those monstrous crimes would escape you. But back to just that suspicious subject.
“The suspicious subject approaches the Perfektastraße. Should not be checked whether the speed limit is not exceeded. It moves remarkably fast,” said an overzealous security man.
“Listen, just because you’ve been to the traffic police, you do not have to hang this out everywhere”, another intervened, “The subway is running, it cannot exceed the speed limit.”
“Thank you, understood,” said the former again to speak, “but what he does is much worse than a speeding. I wish he had just that on the record. And it gets worse from station to station. “
“Suspicious subject wearing a hat with a narrow brim, a black jacket and pants. I assume flannel,” was another description of the alleged perpetrator, because as long as it is only a presumptive crime, one has to say, otherwise it would be correct, and that is proven, if it is outlawed,” He is standing in the wagon holding on to a pole while the wagon and the rest of the set are already on their way to Alterlaa. People are getting out and others are coming in, and every one of them is confronted with this disreputable behavior.”
“I can see it very clearly. It’s so scary, I wish I’d never have seen it,” The first one said again.
“What should we do?”, asked the second one, “Should we still wait, maybe it was just an involuntary reflex, or should we stop him and put him out of circulation before things get worse?”
“Maybe we should make a loudspeaker announcement that people are already forewarned,” suggested the first.
“This is a great idea,” said the other, and everyone else who had overheard their radios made a grunt of approval, so a few minutes later the following announcement sounded and all the passengers, but also the subway staff for stuttering brought:
“Danger! Attention in the third car of the set of the subway line with the number 6, which approaches the station Meidlinger Hauptstraße with frenzied, but correct speed, is a suspicious person. He stands in the subway and smiles at the other passengers. Yes, you heard right. But not enough with it. This improper behavior is already imitators. People are smiling back, on a rainy, wet and cold Monday morning in November, at 6.11 am. One has even heard one or the other laugh. The people, strangers and those who usually like it, start talking to each other. Attention! There is a high risk of infection, in a good mood and empathy. Rescue yourself by using the U-3 or the U-4 over a wide area, or avoid the subway and get on the tram today. Since you are closer to the bad weather, and are better immunized against good mood.”
Everyone was shaking and obediently following the instructions. Really all? No, a few refused, namely the passengers in the third car of the U-6, which had now almost reached the station Nussdorfer Straße. They were just fun. Gradually, they also reached their stations and cheerfully said goodbye to the passengers. “What a beautiful day,” they thought, and went about their pursuits.
Elsewhere a dapper youth was standing by the window, looking out at the dreary November rains, whose ears grew louder from the tops. “When it is going on like that,” he thought sadly, “It’s difficult to keep subjects in line if they enjoy, rather than fear. Maybe we should start with a general smile ban in subways.”