… that you know what I want and what’s good for me, I wondered, a bit, at first. I looked at you, from one side of the table to the other, because next to one I sat and beside the other you. I looked at you and wondered how I should react to that.
Reactions are possible in such a case as many as possible. I had the good feeling, at first, just to get up and walk. But after I knew you would not understand and I like you, I left it. You would not have understood, because what you meant for me sounded quite plausible in the social context of the usual expectations. But what did that have to do with me? All this I would have had to explain to you, and then one would just stand up and go out of the first impulse no longer possible.
So I looked at you and tried to figure out what you meant by what you meant for me, about my ambitions and plans, and goals and intentions. It was completely wrong, but it was good for you – and I like to hold good – that you did not know me long enough to see the absurdity of your opinion about my own. In addition, something else in your favor had to be thrown into the balance, namely, that I rarely talk about what I mean for myself. Since I am extremely sparing with information, so that you had to resort to the well-intentioned, or stopped you stopped looking back. You did not have to, but it’s easy and convenient. That’s easy to adapt. But for that very reason you should know it, so that you finally stop wanting to explain my world to me so that you do not even tempt me to start telling me what I want, so that you understand that not everything is the same subsume a generic term.
You are so far away that I wish for a place where I experience security and homeland, in which I feel welcome and accepted and, if you like, loved, but I do not want it, as a place where I must be, but where I can be, if it finds and gives, to which I can return, whenever it is right. I want the freedom of return, if I go away, the freedom to live, which I have fought for.
You are so far right that I wish for a person in which I feel myself lifted and understood, where I can lean on and rest, but I do not want him as a siding, where then nothing comes, where I captured and claimed, controlled and evaluated, patronized and objected to, but if so, then it should be good to go and come, to stay, also, from time to time, and when it does. Only then. I do not want to do this to you and me because a love without freedom is dead.
You are so far that you see my exhaustion and my burned out, that I wish to be able to sleep, surrounded and protected, sleep and dream, of a better world, and the happy moments with you, again and again and so long it is just that, but not that we have to have to do anything because we think we should mean. Outside of every form and norm except ours, yours and mine.
Therefore, you can stop thinking and take me as I am, or you leave it. It’s your decision. And I will not mean anything to that.