I was also given a new freedom, a freedom I had once felt, without realizing it, because it was at a time of life, as freedom and responsibility were limited to myself, swallowed up all other freedoms. Many years later, the bond and responsibility far beyond myself meant that it was finally able to step out of her shadows. But it took a long time for me to recognize and accept it. Again and again I fell back into the thought-chain of a bond that had long been only a restraint. Even if I had shaken them off, the fetters and the captivity, it was still present in my thoughts. Shaken, but not yet released.
On the day it was that I opened up, to another city. It was necessary to gain some distance. For a long time I had looked forward to this day, or rather to the evening. And as it is, with long-lasting joys, I tried to picture the events. I could not be content with the joy, no, I had to play it over and over in my mind. What would happen as it would happen. I left out the question of why. It was also not important, as long as it was about dreams, so long I could expect everything.
At last it was time. At first I realized that I had painted so much in my dreams, but I had forgotten that they had to confront the reality. Maybe I should have left it to dream. Then I would at least have saved them. And if everything were different? Worse, if nothing happened and I would go home without anything happening? I should have stayed at home and never did. It was not too late yet. I would go quite easily. To avoid the disappointment, but also the fulfillment, which was also not entirely impossible.
The light went out, rest returned. It was too late. But the moment the light went out, I made myself free from all the dreams and thought-making, made me empty and open. I let go. At last I had succeeded in letting go, not only of my inner attachment, but also of my own thoughts. A moment of liberation to take what would come. Only that. Freedom stepped out of its shadows, and I recognized it. The freedom to let me be inspired by the coming. I had no more expectations, no ready-made pictures, only the open look for what was happening around me.
So I could get involved, to everything that would come, prejudice free. I had opened my hands and dropped everything that I held tightly, and, lo and behold, my hands were open and ready to receive whatever it might be.
To be at the moment, with open, empty, receptive hands and thoughts. And what happened then was quite different, and much better, than I could ever imagine in my dreams. If I had not let go, I would have escaped the possibility, because I was fixed on my finished pictures, which did not correspond to reality. But because I had let them go, I was ready, also for the freedom and the encounter with you, ready to let me openly to you. No more that obscured the view or limited the imagination. Nothing more, which restricted me. And the laughter I gave you was a living one.