I felt quite liberated. Falling in love is a pretty bad thing. So now not the feeling in itself, that has already something animated, only the accompanying circumstances are extremely strenuous. If you are in the middle of it, you do not feel like it, but as an outsider you have to say quite soberly about someone who is suffering from love: “That is completely ridiculous.”
Ridiculous, yes, completely beside the trail. You cannot sleep. It is known, however, that sufficient sleep is the best prerequisite for creativity. I cannot use it. I want to keep my good sleep. You cannot eat anything. Well, so I could be more friendly, so a little bacon less, that would not hurt. In the current winters, a warming grease layer is scarcely necessary. But that would not be the worst. Thoughts always revolve around one or the other. These people always talk about the same, down to the smallest detail. How was looked and what was meant and that look. The constant sighing and the fuss. It resembles a little bit of an LSD user who is in the flow, overjoyed, and deprived, to death. And these states of mind change constantly, often in minute tact. There is nothing more to be desired. If the patient was still on the heights of heaven, laughing, playful, and dreaming, he was destroyed on the ground in the next moment, saddened by death, and drawn with watery eyes. This state is an impertinence, for the environment as well as for the person concerned.
Such a normal-thinking, civilized, reasonable and adult person cannot do voluntarily. That is why it is certain that I will not let my life go by, especially not by myself. Everything has its order and goes its course. I do not have time for such gewgaw. This eternal confusion, I had enough of it. Now we have to implement all that is still awaiting implementation. Travel plans want to be realized. And I also have not the nerves for it. This constant ups and downs. Perhaps it does not belong to my age either. What is good for youth is an offense to age. Quiet and relaxed one has to be, more or less standing over the things, dissecting, selective and understanding. But how can you do this if you do not know where the head is. Is there anything more ridiculous than a man who has grown old like a young man? A young filling in all honors, but what is right for the one must not be cheap to the other.
“I will never fall in love again, for the rest of my life, because the arrogance is followed by repentance,” I tell you when you come back to visit me and ask about my heart affairs, as always.
“But come,” you would reply, “So alone, that is nothing.”
“So you mean that a woman without a man cannot be. How conservative is that, “I replied, “I am very well, much better than if it were otherwise. Besides, I’m not at all alone, but I have much more freedom, and I use that. “
“Oh, yes?”, you deviate, deviating from the normal production, “And then why do you stand all the time in front of the mirror and have you so dressed?”
“Do I have that?” I ask, becoming a little louder, “I do not even notice that.”
“When do you see him?”, you continue to drill.
“No idea,” I say, trying to sound as unfounded as possible, “this afternoon, perhaps, but that has nothing to say at all. This is just an acquaintance, like many others. “