21. Because it makes sense
Lilith stood at the door and looked out to the street. The sun was just rising. She watched as small snowflakes gently rocked in the wind. Were rocked. The world seemed peaceful and cheerful. No one was on the road, nobody intersected the idyll. It would be a good day because she had once again found a dream that belonged to her, and yet not her alone. It was a dream that could be a task and this task was a meaning. Just because. It would be a good day.
Then a figure approached. Dark against the dark background and delicate emotions of the rising sun. Still someone who was cheerful around this time. On this good day. As the figure aimed at the empty store, and she saw herself forced to step back a pace, for the figure enters.
“Good morning,” Lilith said, smiling, giving Ruben a kiss, “I have not expected you yet. It is good that you are here. It’s always good when you’re here. It seems to me as if I had lost a part of myself, a long time ago, an important part, and you are the one who brought it back to me. This is a good day. And tomorrow will be a good day. And overjoyed. “
“Good morning,” Ruben replied, his look revealing something Lilith could not rightly associate at this moment, something that irritated her, just after that confession, “I’m glad you said that, Because I had such a clue, and it scared me. No, maybe not really scared, but it aroused fears in me. “
“What fears?” Lilith asked, who really meant he would be happy to see that there was a person to whom he was not only important, no, far more, who had a place for him, and then he did not rejoice, but said that he feared it.
“I came here and felt accepted and protected,” Ruben began his explanation. “And that did well. It is doing well, and it would continue to do well if it had remained so, but what I suspected and what I do not endure has occurred. “
“What do you not endure?” Lilith replied, aghast, because she no longer understood the world because everything suddenly seemed so nebulous and pointless. Just now she had thought she had a friend, no more, a confidant and companion, and then he came and broke everything.
“That you took me in this way, without asking me,” explained Ruben, “No more, you presuppose that I am right. You’ve spun me into your net like a spider, and now you’re going to pull it harder and harder until I get no air until I stifle. I thought it would never happen again. I thought it would change. I wanted nothing but a place to rest, to linger, but also a place I could leave again to return. But you broke it down because you tell me that I can not come back but have to come back. You pull me into a responsibility that is not mine. You are responsible for your life and I am responsible for mine. So it belongs. So that’s right. But you impose on me the responsibility for your happiness by telling me that I am important to you, so important that I can heal you. Do you think that’s fair? “
Lilith had listened to him. It was good that she was sitting, for it seemed to her as if he had just dragged the ground under her feet, as if there was nothing left to carry her. But was there something in life that bore? Was there any reliability? He had become familiar with her. Perhaps she had hesitated, at first, but then came the continuity and security, and she was convinced, at once, that it could be, that she could be for her. And that was all over again? Slowly she got up and made tea. For him and for herself. Just as she was used to. Should it be the last time? Still, the routine gave her a certain degree of security, so that the mist around her thoughts a little. And when she put the cups on the table, one for him and one for herself, she was so far to understand. To accept what had been pushed on her. It was not hers. It was not wanted. But how much of what is happening in our lives is wanted?
“You came here, at a time when I was wounded,” Lilith began, “You came here, at a time when I was disoriented. There was no outlook and no task and no sense. But without a task in life, there can be no sense. I also no longer believed that there could be such a task, inspiration and joy and smile. You have given me all that in you, in peace and familiarity. This is the part you brought back to me, who lost me. And I thought I could be the same for you, but obviously I was wrong. There is so much that I am grateful for, so much that is there again. It’s the gift you gave me, and I thought you were it to me. “
“You see, that’s exactly what I meant by taking responsibility, and I do not want that, and I do not let it happen again, never again,” Ruben explained with conviction, probably happy to learn that she was able to name her mistake and thus to see it.
“But, and you are wrong in this, I have not taken you into it. Maybe it felt or sound so. Perhaps it reminded you of earlier situations where there were people who put a ring round your neck and tightened it ever more tightly, but these were earlier situations, past people,” Lilith replied gravely and deliberately,” But now it is this situation, this person, you and me, and all I meant was that you had given me so much back that you showed me a way that I did not see before. You showed me that I still have possibilities. That there is also a meaning for me in life. You are important to me, but the task and the meaning remain, even if you go, even if you never come again. If you want to go, go. I will not keep you. But you will not stop me from remaining that part of my life that you have brought back to me. It’s good when you’re here. Naturally. It would be nonsense to deny it, but I will not hold you, not even try it. “
And it was the moment when Ruben left the empty store that was really empty for Lilith, even though it was not really empty. How much could be done wrong by trying to make it right, to be honest and to be what you felt and thought.
But it was the moment when Lilith realized that the purpose in life is to turn to a man, to protect him without controlling him, and in a task that fulfills one. That’s all. More is not necessary.