15. You made yourself familiar to me
Lilith had already drunk two cups of tea that morning. In the meantime she had made errands. What you need, for everyday life. Part of the day is still every day, even in Advent. Even if you expect something. And Lilith definitely expected something. Or better someone. Every day he had come since that meeting. And how long was that? Two weeks approximately. He had not left the day. Even in the worst weather. It was like a pace. A heart beat. She had become accustomed. Two cups she covered. He usually came at about the time the tea was ready. They had never minded. But it was so. She had become accustomed, and said it had always been. To think it was only two weeks. But she had become accustomed. Of course, yes, it did not matter. You could never be sure. It can go on for weeks, and then it’s different. He probably has something else to do. Or nothing. Or he just does not come. It does not require any explanation. But what had she done wrong? And she must have done something wrong, because otherwise he would not just stay away, just today, just like that. But she could not recall what she could have done.
In her mind she went back to the last day. Everything had been as usual, as always. They had said good-bye to each other in the evening. But then she called to order, talking to herself that this was not so important. Life would go on, and what else there were in the way of pretty and less pretty phrases. And if she went away now, and he came in the meantime, she would not be there. But that did not matter, because they had not minded. Then he would be unlucky. He did not need to imagine that she had nothing else to do but sit here and wait for him. He did not need to think she needed it. Yet she hastened with the errands. With a throbbing heart she returned, but still no trace of him. She could have done the errands later. Now she’d surely missed him. And he would never come back. Restlessness seized her. She had lost everything. Perhaps that was just their fate to be abandoned. It would be time for her to leave. The faster she would accept the truth, the faster the pain would pass. And yet, he had no reason. But does it need a reason? It was just that she was and always will be the one who is left. Facts must be seen as they are. Thoughtless, even against himself. There was no one who could stand it longer with her. As much as she wanted, it would be different. Could not it be at least until Christmas so? But what for, is nevertheless quite no matter whether before Christmas or afterwards. It would have happened anyway. Just now. Just like any other day.
And after it was the way it was, after she had clarified that he would never come back, it should be possible just to return to everyday life. Then it would be the fastest way to go. That were only two weeks. Nothing else. She did not need to make such a wind about it. Just two weeks. But, and that too, she confessed, she had already let herself be seduced to believe that there might be a joy that lasted. Two cups at the table. Every morning. A coexistence. Every morning. Simply so, in all tranquility. Easy to know that it is good, good to be together. Actually, she had imagined that he was doing the same as you did, that he did well. She had once again fallen into one of the most obvious traps in life. Had she actually assumed that it must go to him as well as her. Without a word, she had projected her joy and her wishes into him. Without a word, she had assumed that her joy and her wishes were his one. She had to pay that now. If you do not listen to your own experiences, you have to feel it. And despite everything, she did not find peace, despite all reasonable reasoning. There was a part in her, defiant like a little child, who did not want to see that it was just as it was. But also the part would settle down again. There would be no other choice.
Disquietingly Lilith walked to and fro. Rummaged around. Then again there. Began the one, put it aside again, the other began to give it up immediately. Well, it would take its time. How could it happen that you were so involved in a person without any particular thing that would have given her the occasion for all the thoughts? Especially when you were as adult and rational as she was.
The second cup of tea was emptied, and it was already at noon. Lilith was busy in the kitchen. Very busy, because their thoughts simply would not be allowed to remain. They always ran away, and always in the same direction. Then she had to drag them away with difficulty in order to concentrate on what she wanted to do. But if she did not take it for a moment, they ran away again, and it all started again. And it was just at one of those moments when she was again busy with catches when the ringing sounded from the door, indicating that someone was entering the store, and she let everything go. The thoughts were to run wherever they wanted, the pot should see where it stayed. It did so, too, for it fell to the ground. She did not perceive it, for she ran to the door, and it was indeed him. All the mournful thoughts, all sadness, all blown away, as if it had not happened when she fell on his neck.
„I thought you’d never come back,“ Lilith said, softly, very softly. He heard it.
„Why should I not come back? Why should I take the best of what I have in my life right now? „Ruben asked as his hand passed over her head.
„I thought because, I meant because …“ Lilith did not come forth.
„You should not think so much and believe more,“ he said gently, „faith, trust in life and in you, and in the voice in you and the people around you.“
„But I’ve already believed and trusted …“ she began, but she did not have to finish.
„But if you lose faith, you will lose everything,“ he said, „I believe in what I have read in your eyes, what your touch tells me, I believe in you.“
And because there was nothing else to say, only to take this evening, a small ring found itself in the display, for without beginning and end, everything is beginning and ending.