11. Be there for each other
The weather had turned around. Probably not unusual at this time of the year. A sudden heat-thrust, so that the snow melted as if it had never existed, and drowned water drops from the sky instead of snowflakes. Lilith looked out of the window and into herself. Outside the window she found rain and gray clouds and gloom, and she found melancholy and sadness and loneliness inside herself. Still, she decided to tear herself together because she did not want Ruben to be struck by her, she did not want him to experience her like that. As she had always been accustomed to, she also acted on this day by putting on a mask and concealing behind it all the negative feelings she had found in her. Melancholy and sadness and loneliness belonged clearly to this category. If he was there, he should just see her smile. Not her tears. If he was there, he should feel comfortable. And not burdened by them. It was not good to be a burden for others. This was definitely not. And would never belong. So she was glad that she could make tea for him, because that drew attention away from the effort to preserve the composure. And it was a great effort for her that day. It did not stop raining. The sky remained gray and gloomy. It did not stop working in her. And the protagonists of the game were the sadness and the melancholy and the lostness.
„Thanks for the tea,“ said Ruben without really looking up from his work.
„Nothing to thank,“ Lilith replied succinctly.
„Now is nearly half-time in Advent and I have the feeling that I’m not getting on as far as I would like,“ commented Ruben.
„It’ll be all right,“ Lilith said as Ruben let his hands sink. They were normal words, in a normal conversation, but something made him listen. It was not the words. There was something around the words, something that did not fit Lilith, as he had experienced her so far. She sat there, the book on her lap, closed and unaffected, the teacup in her hand, while her eyes lost in the rain outside the window.
„It seems to me as if you were as lost as the world out there is,“ Ruben heard himself say, at the same moment surprised at himself as he could find such words. Had they really come from him? But he had heard them, so it had to be.
„No, no, that’s just what you’re doing,“ Lilith said evasively as she tried to smile, but she missed it.
„But you are different than usual,“ Ruben remained persistent.
„That may be the case. This is just the rain and the gray sky. And it can also be that I am tired and headache, „said Lilith, softly, and her look did not come to him.
„If it can be, it is not so,“ said Ruben in return, „but I can only tell you that I would tell you if I was not doing well.“
„You should,“ Lilith said with conviction, „I would immediately notice if that were so.“
„And why should I?“ Ruben asked.
„Because we’re friends, I thought, and if a friend is not doing well, then you can help each other,“ Lilith said as she thought, and as she probably would.
„And why do not you do it?“ Ruben remained relentless.
„To not burden you,“ Lilith admitted finally small.
„And you do not mean that I feel more stressful when I see that you are not well when I feel it and hear from your voice, and you try to make me think that I am wrong, that I do not have my own senses can trust. Would you like that? „Ruben asked in return.
„I’ve learned it. And it’s hard to break out of habits. Ingratiability, it was then said when you had everything you needed and yet did not feel well. That was a hubris. An arrogance. I try to get rid of it, try to get along with myself alone. I’m used to it. I could always hide it. Only with you I do not succeed. Maybe because no one has ever seen me like you,“ Lilith said, and now her eyes returned to him. He could see tears in her eyes.
„Then tell me what’s going on, now finally,“ urged Ruben.
„I felt so lost and abandoned, and I do not even know why. Actually stupid. Because there’s no reason,“ Lilith said.
„There must not always be a reason for everything. And if you want to let go, do it, I’ll keep you,“ he said, gently and sustainably. And the tears flowed over her cheeks as he took her in the arm. Or he took her in his arms, and the tears flowed. This was not to be determined exactly. It made no difference. She received. It felt good and warm. It was a kind of security that she had not experienced for a long time.
They were tears of their abandonment, which she cried out of themselves, and with whom her desolation went. Perhaps she would have cried more often if she had known that before. There were also tears of joy that cried, the joy that there was someone who listened to her, even if she was not doing well. He perceived and accompanied her in the gloom, even if he did not have to. It was his free decision to stay and go through for her. That too. He was there for her. To be there for each other, is not that what makes the together? What is the reality of the co-existence? It is light and airy, in sunshine and cheerfulness. It is heavy and stressful, in the rain and in the lost, but it belongs to it. To go through the rain or simply let it happen until the sunshine recurs. To be there for one another, because one wishes that happiness would return and joy and serenity.
And in this hug, which was nothing else but a hug, but at this particular moment went far beyond, became a life anchor and a safety rope. It was there, and in the evening also in the display, for to be there for each other, that is what I give to you in my affection. Nowhere else can I know.